HELL

I’m in Barcelona right now. It’s beautiful and all…but SO warm. And I never ever go outside without a jacket/jumper and tights, I always cover arms and legs but here… You can’t unless you’re prepared to faint from the heat. So I challenge myself everyday.. I go outside showing my arms.. showing my fatty arms and scars all up my wrists. I would never dare to go outside without covering my legs, I find them WAY to hideous.. So I go outside with nothing covering my arms and just a pair of shorts with tights under. I feel awful… And people stare… I have no idea why.. Maybe my bright yellow hair, by scars, my fatty legs, my fatty arms or everything else ugly… I just feel terrible.. But I still eat, I will not starve myself. It won’t solve anything. It will just make me even more depressed. Plus that would mean that I’ve failed at recovery and I don’t want to let everybody down. But I want to be skinny, well not as unhealthy as before but skinnier. But then again, I want to wear vintage, want to look like the beautiful Marina Diamandis or Elsa Billgren.. I just don’t know…..